Something kinda oooh

Theres a rumour going round

2007-01-22T11:50:00.000-08:00

My next boss is a reet cunt ; )

H is for 'have a bet'

2007-01-04T12:25:00.000-08:00

I've put a fiver on H to win BB at will hill

Big Bother

2007-01-03T12:35:00.000-08:00

One day i'll get a bus down to london town seek out the bb studio on the first night, grab the mike off davina and shout.

Your all wankers,
your all wankers,
why do you bother

wankers .....

then walk off

Still gonna watch it this year though

Ooops nearly forgot!

2006-12-20T14:18:00.000-08:00

Its wierd how you can just forget things that happen .....

anyhooo the next furtellis video for the forthcoming single is filmed in manchester, how do i know ?

They had camaramen in our offices filming on the rooftop opposite, i expect i'll be out next year, but you heard the shite video alert here first!

When days were long and nights were short

2006-12-19T12:17:00.000-08:00

The internet used to be a fantastically useless place unless you were an advocate of either

a) Swedish research labs
b) Spatula city
c) The democratisation of porn

Then we got all serious, and got proper news website, blogs, youtube and all this web 2.0 bollocks.

Somewhere along the line i think we forgot what the web was truely for

gimmicky bollocks to waste time.

Now go elf yerself my cyber tribe.

elf yerself

I now have just four more hours of work this year!

Pillows of mass distraction

2006-12-18T11:29:00.000-08:00

Really surprised that www.silentbazz.co.uk hasn't picked up on this first (the fact hes a grown up might have something to do with it), hes probably less interested in seeing students cavort round in their sleepwear as well

Videos of these fights in other cities:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F516QAn2JNo
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FxHvHBmPP80

Full details here
http://www.myspace.com/manchesterpillowfight

Ah and the reasons for not blogging lately, the extra time at work, and the fact i can't do my blog from work has meant i can't post as much as i'd like to these days. Still i'm off from wednesday

Got a letter from the british gas today

2006-11-29T12:18:00.000-08:00

Opened it up, and it said i was a sucker.

To the left, to the left .....

2006-10-26T13:29:00.000-07:00

My household numbers one less tonight, I didn't want to do it especially with cold weather round the corner (shouldn't it already be here?), but my hand was forced, and an inhabitant of the flat was evicted.

For about four months now i've been living with a humungous spider, we always got on because it was like we were on different shifts he did his spidering during the day when i was out at work, and when i came back he'd go off to sleep and leave me in peace. Its fair to say i don't have arachnophobia (or a spellchecker).

However as all spiders do, this one had a tendency to plonk itself in the bathtub, each time i rescued it, and lovingly placed it on the floor so it could carry on spidering. However after the third time this week it got me thinking.

"Just how long is that spider spending in my bath"

It must be spending half its life there, this leads to the disturbing conclusion that assuming spiders crap, the little bugger must be having on average about 2 craps a week in my bath.

Its one thing being a furry critter that most people are fearful of, a completely different thing taking a shit in someones bath, not even hughesy managed that.

Dioxy monkey nucliec acid

2006-10-10T13:00:00.000-07:00

I while ago it was pointed out to me

"A monkey improves every situation", whilst i haven't lived my life by this (and yes i'll accept there are exceptions to the rule), whenever i've seen a monkey added to a situation i've got to admit its improved the situation.

But did you know we share around 98% of our genetic makeup with chimps?

yes you probably did because of that stupid trailer for a show that keeps getting repeated on the beeb about how we should treat monkeys better ( we let them ride tricycles and smoke pipes i don't see what more we can do as a species to help them)

well bear this in mind before you start thinking you're a monkey

you share
90% of your dna with a rat
60% of your dna with a chicken
and almost alarmingly 50% with a banana

actually you probably knew that.

Sir Digby Chicken Ceaser Writes

2006-10-02T11:34:00.000-07:00

Dear 'some bastard'

This is your laziest post yet.

five thousand

2006-09-22T16:56:00.000-07:00

I've just had a bill for five thousand pounds! 5k for damp proofing the flats i live in and some tiling.

fuck i wish i was kidding!

I'll pay it then i'm selling my flat, i never want to own another propery, to put things into perspective 5k is 3 months of doing a job i fricken hate

unfair i never signed up to be an adult!

ps if theres an explosion. It wasn't me!

Wow sounds sooooo tempting

2006-09-13T15:31:00.000-07:00

Get a fucking grip sage!

Hi Matthew,

I am about to publish the following advert and felt that you might be interested, or at least know someone who is:

FTSE 100 software development house are currently looking for a Delphi developer to join their expanding team. You must have at least 3 years Delphi experience along with solid exposure to a SQL RDBMS (preferably SQL Server). Working within the UK's leading software development company you will be exposed to lead edge Greenfield development whilst having the opportunity to gain some exposure the latest Microsoft language that is superseding Delphi.....C#.

If you have the relevant experience and want career progression within the UK's leading software development organisation then apply today for immediate interview.

Based in Northwest Manchester with a Salary up to £30,000

If you are interested, then please get in touch by reply with an updated CV. Alternatively, if you have any friends or family that may be interested, then please forward the details onto them, as it really is an excellent opportunity!

Oh i laughed, and then a little tear came out, then i pee'd but thats a different story, Leading edge? my arse is more leading edge and the last i checked that was semi spherical.

Ravers Unite (maximum respect to the european posse)

2006-09-07T13:32:00.000-07:00

I don't know why but compulsion forced me to dig out an old scooter album for a listen of the elegantly titled move your ass.

One of the lines was

Ravers of the universe
Remember its nice to be important but
Its more important to be nice

classic kraute

snigger if you will, but how many top 40 hits have you had?

In other news two people and all the cleaners quit work today. Tis crazy.

Koan of the day

2006-09-04T11:38:00.000-07:00

You may or may not know Raz, you may even be Raz, but most probably you're not. Raz is someone i went to university with, a very smart person, so smart he decided to drink, smoke pot and not bother with exams, thats how smart he was, he was *that* smart, he knew a puny degree was below his talents.

Ambling home as we were on a pleasant journey back from london yesterday our conversation as ever turned to the relative merits of the bands playing on the radio, this is a time i always value as we trade various facts, tips and the occasional shout of "utter shite", two years ago on a drive down to cornwall Raz had informed me about an up and coming set of upstarts called the scissor sisters.

Well just as a fat lass is inevitably drawn towards cheesecake, radio 1 was inevitably drawn to play the new scissor sisters track, naturally i was curious as to how raz felt about this new single.

"I'm having my doubts" he said
"Really ? how come? this sounds like all their other stuff"
"Well yes it does, but how can i say this? I've begun to suspect that the band may be gay"

Silence

"Gay? GAY? well yes of course they are! how could you not notice!" at this point it was time for me to come out with a killer fact "Well okay they're all gay except the drummer"

"Oh yes i knew the drummer couldn't be gay"
"you knew? how could you know that given what you've said?"
"Drummers can't be gay can they?"
"Drummers can't be gay how do you know that?"
"they'd never be able to hit the drums hard enough"

I really couldn't fault the logic

My Job

2006-08-21T12:16:00.000-07:00

Is both immoral and dull, how the hell did that happen?

At this juncture in life for the next few months i'd be willing to accept dull and noble, or immoral and exciting

but immoral and dull? nope thanks, if i'm going to work in an industry that loves taking peoples homes off them then i'd rather be doing it using a tank and some semtex, not visual basic.

Time to spin spin the wheel and see where that crazy bastard lands methinks

There really is no hope for the planet

2006-08-07T13:14:00.000-07:00

when you see headlines like this (source bbc)

Air tax hike 'would hit poorest'

Raising air travel taxes would only hit poorer people, said ministers as MPs accused them of failing to stop transport that fuels global warming.

Am i missing something here? we're destroying the fucking planet day by day, and instead of taxing the f** out of the travel thats causing it (hands up i'm guilty as well), we worry that poor people may not be able to afford to fly , well here cometh the lesson

If you are poor then by definition you can not afford to fuckin fly, end of!

Oh dear

2006-08-04T11:07:00.000-07:00

Seems the people at the ipcc, have taken note of my complaint and opened a file despite the fact that i said they shouldn't as they have should have more pressing things to worry about!

oo eck !

I'd might as well put a transcript of my original mail ,
and if anybody does know whether or not the police have a right to confiscate unopened cans that aren't on show of drunk people i'd like to know.

anyway here was my drunken ramblings (note the time of the email it was after an all day session

I really should learn my lessons about drinking too much

Follow up mail

Hmmm okay now i've sobered up i realise you probably have more serious things to deal with than some drunk bloke who had a can of red stripe taken off him because he was staggering on the way home.

I guess it would be churlish and wasteful of resources to proceed with an official complaint, however i would like to state for the record that i still believe the tactics employed by the police last night were over zelous, i was minding my own business not bothering anyone, just trying to go home, when i had a can of unopened lager taken off me (the fact that i had forgotten i even had the can with me proves how drunk i was).

Just to reiterate the can was merely being transported and not on showm i was not drinking on the street, and was minding my own business when i was stopped. I'm not sure of the legality of what was done, but it did seem unfair as i was keeping myself to myself.

The odds of this happening again to me are minute, but i'd hate to think this sort of thing can happen to others.

Original Mail

Mxxxxxxxx Nxxxxxx wrote:

Before i start this mail i should state that i have no problem overall with the police force, i realise theres a tough job out there for them to do

but here it comes ..........

On my way home tonight, on a journey that takes me between the popular haunt known as jabbez clegg (I wont patronise you further by telling you where this is) to my current residence i was accosted for the simple reason that i had a can of beer in my pocket, this can was confiscated for no reason at all and based upon what i believe where unreasonable grounds. At the time i was making no talk to others, and had no other motive than to get to my flat in salford, my head was down i was walking home

But then walking past the pub known as the parammount (a weatherspoons on oxford rd) the officer in charge of policing the area took a look at my grounial area and decided instantly that i was guilty of .........

well something .......

i have no idea what though

I was walking home quitely by myself, i hadn't troubled a single person, yet there i was having to explain why i had something in my pocket (which i had no intention of taking out) this was then confiscated, at this point i feel my basic human rights were infringed and this is why i am writing to you now.

Not for me a four to five figure sum of cash, i merely want an apology for what i see as an infrigingement on my rights (btw i won't even mention the amount of sass your officers dared throw at me considering the amount i pay in taxes i'm surprised they haven't been on civility traning courses - naturally i jest evidence i've seen tonight suggests they can't even spell the word civil)

whats that ? you think i might be jestiing

well here comes the funny bit, whilst i don't claim a rodney king style high ground, the entire incident will be on video tape (and this is why it won't go away), watch it because it is there, and then try and work out why i had the contents of my pockets robbed by the people that are supposed to protect me

just in case you can't identify the officers in question there reg number is

mx55 xol

and yes this mail is now circulatiing the web if theres a single untruth in it then i look forward to the response of your solicitiors, because theres not a single shred of contrary evidence

Did you know?

2006-08-02T13:07:00.000-07:00

That the police can confiscate beer off you even if your not drinking it?

Neither did i until last friday night, when walking home not minding anybody the police took one look at a bulge in my pocket (oo-er) liked what they saw (a can i was taking home) and took it off me.

Did you also know its probably not advisable to email the independent police complaints commison about it?

Damn filth! I predict a riot next time!

Just Peachy

2006-07-27T12:35:00.000-07:00

So this months award for best album title goes to electronica sex kitten 'more balls than a ball factory' .... peaches

Our gal peaches is typically associated with a form of electronica so dark that people dare not speak its name, each track produced is an attempt to fist fuck your ears into a widened submission.

Not that i care much about the music, i really don't, its just l love the title of her latest album

"Impeach my bush"

If there was an award for smutty album titles this would scoop it up and then no doubt chuck it out letting it then dribble down someones chin*.

If thats not enough to make you curious hows about tracks with titles such as

- Tent in your pants
- Fuck or kill
- slippery dick

now if i can just persuade dido to up the ante a little.

* if you don't think so you are clearly a nazi

No new material, time for a cover version.

2006-07-26T13:26:00.000-07:00

Godwin's Law (also Godwin's Rule of Nazi Analogies) is a mainstay of Internet culture, an adage formulated by Mike Godwin in 1990.

It states:

As an online discussion grows longer, the probability of a comparison involving Nazis or Hitler approaches one.^[1]

Godwin observed that people had increasingly begun to compare anyone and anything they mildly disliked with Hitler and/or Fascism.

Godwin's Law does not dispute whether, in a particular instance, a reference or comparison to Hitler or the Nazis might be apt. It is precisely because such a reference or comparison may sometimes be appropriate, Godwin has argued, that hyperbolic overuse of the Hitler/Nazi comparison should be avoided, as it robs the valid comparisons of their impact.

So now you know

Bring me the head of harold bishop.

2006-07-25T10:49:00.000-07:00

How hot is it?

Not as hot as the latest kasabian release.

Does remind me a little bit of doctor in the tardis by the timelords though.

welcome back kasabian, naturally i'm predicting a number one for this single.

Mind Fluff

2006-07-24T13:27:00.000-07:00

Time to solve one of lifes problems

Theres a monkey dust sketch, i don't know if you've seen it, but in it literary genius lord byron is presented with one of lifes more difficult tasks
having to come up with an amusing message for a birthday card in this case the card is for queen elizibeth not known for her patience (if my memory of the docu drama blackadder II serves me correct)

Anyway the morning sun rises, the midday heat passes and finally the sun sets and poor old byron, a wordsmith if ever there was one can't think of what to put settling for something like "have a happy birthday you old bird you" whilst congratulating himself, sure not as funny most of monkey dust but it did remind me of how pathetic we all can be when it comes to writing stuff on peoples cards especially when theres the added pressure of coming up with something humourous

This is why two years ago after many many years of coming up with what i considered to be witty gems (and others found plain rude or offensive) i decided to take the sting out of all the thinking, if you want to be humourous write "i love you" under somebody elses name (preferebly someone they hate), then for your own message you can never go wrong with the swiss utility knife of messages

"ave a good un"

hasn't failed me yet *

*note: could backfire if someone gives birth to a mong.

Underwear goes inside the pants

2006-07-17T11:01:00.000-07:00

Some tunes say it better than i ever could, it really is worth downloading the plug in, putting the volume up and getting this on full screen

http://launch.yahoo.com/ar-4463747-videos--Lazyboy

due for a uk release soon and produced by one of them aqua people believe it or not

One thing i've learnt this last week

2006-07-16T09:52:00.000-07:00

When cutting your own hair the difference in grading between a number 1 at the sides and a number 2 on top (yeww!) is a lot more than a three and a four and may result in you having to shave off your hair much to peoples amusement.

dih

Its not like its the first time its ever happened n all!

On the radio now`

2006-07-16T09:50:00.000-07:00

I've given up on xfm they're too interested in northern soul shite

so i switched back to the revolution

glad i did

Mike joyce from the smiths interviewing mark burgess from the chameleons, 1 hours worth of chameleons on the radio, quality it doesn't get better than that!

Yay, Yay and Yay again

2006-07-13T11:37:00.000-07:00

What the lord taketh away he often giveth backeth

take for instance my thursday night tele. Gone is the excellent house, worth it for hugh lauries excellent stick up his arse charachter, even if most of the plots are ludicrous tosh.

In its place E4 new i was missing out on comedy so tonight at 9 we get the new series of scrubs, a new american comedy which looks like it'll be worth a shot and best of all the IT crowd, originally i missed this as i was constantly out on fridays and in bed for 10 on saturdays (yes fridays did take there toll) but i did catch some clips on the channel 4 website so am now really looking forward to this (word is a second series is in the pipeline)

There i did it an entire post without shouting

"TWA........

Women with prams

2006-07-12T12:38:00.000-07:00

Get the fuck out of mens clothes shops

you utter twats!

Ironing is shit!

2006-07-12T12:27:00.000-07:00

Theres something seriously wrong with the world and peoples priorities isn't there? its very rare i get political in writing or without the aid of beer, but some people are just twats and some things just twattish.

Take for instance the person in the lift at work with me today, speaking on their mobile (hands free kit to boot) bragging because she'd found a cleaner who'll work for £2.50 an hour. Utter twat.

Take also the the energy review published t'other day, lets ignore all the controversy over nuclear, and whether or not we actually know whether solar powers worth the effort, hidden in their was talk about how the government would try to make households more energy efficient, well heres one for you

ban ironing!

Thats right just ban the fucker, what is the point in ironed clothes can someone please tell me, just what function do they serve? how have they benefitted society, ironing is fucking useless! people who spend a lot of time ironing are twats! (unless its your job in which case your employer is the twat see paragraph one), have we not evolved beyond the need for irons (answer no because there never was one), people only iron because everyone else does, whilst all the time we're adding to the greenhouse effect, what a bunch of twats we all are!

oh yeah and whilst on the theme of twatty stuff,

ronaldo ... yer a twat!

Slapton (less slappy than i expected)

2006-06-17T13:24:00.000-07:00

Slapton, not much slap apparently.

Devon knows I'm miserable now (note not really!)

2006-06-16T14:41:00.000-07:00

Well its that time of year again, and my how its flown,
the cat has been cancelled, the milk sent to the neighbours,
and the speedos stretch tested (they go up to nut warp 4 if you must know).

Yip i'm off to devon for my bi-annual meet up with uni pals, this marks a slight shift
in tactics as normally we book a holiday to coincide football tournaments with a trip
to cornwall, i've been assured the switch hasn't occurred because of my constant insistence on
saying corn hole instead of cornwall at every given oppurtunity.

Nope this time we're off to slapton, no jokes there, in fact you couldn't even make
a limerik with eric clapton in it, and a glass table.*

Hopefully i'll have internet access down there so i can get back into the swing of blogging but in the meantime

up the england!
down the speedos!

Yay me.

* mail me if it needs explaining.
** by the way theres a brazillian player called fred, thats why theres a picture of
fred dibnah in a football shirt.
*** yes this post has been posted more than a week after it was written, blogger really does go on the blink from time to time

Funny? I nearly shat myself!

2006-05-28T03:46:00.000-07:00

The saddam and ossama show

Very funny, can't believe i've never seen it before as it is quite old, nice adverts as well.

Two weeks on, just one week wiser

2006-05-25T13:19:00.000-07:00

The last two weeks have absolutely zipped past, its been an education of the highest order, I'm all new to the world of "working somewhere else" the new place is the first place i've been in seven years, so what have i learnt ..........................

1) The people i worked with at sage were very smart, sometimes you can forget that working day to day with people.

2) Every job has its ups and downs, i've been put in a job that contrasts them perfectly !

3) The people at my new place are lovely! What scares the shi* out of me is the talk of50 week years and 50 hours a week work,which they all consider normal and part of the culture, I'm keeping my eye on this! (yes thats the down to the job)

4) I can't believe how much people kiss arse/ suck in pressure its gonna be fun working out whose who at my new place!

5) Piccadily gardens whilst might seem a nice option for lunch is still full of chavs

All Hail Fred!

2006-05-15T14:35:00.000-07:00

Booooooo

2006-05-15T10:54:00.000-07:00

It wasn't version 2 of .net,

my aspmastery will be of version 1.1 for the time being.

f**kin agents!

Never mind the posh cocks

2006-05-12T01:40:00.000-07:00

Warning this post will probably not be punctuated correctly, as it's a blog i don't care!

I need a rant!

I had to do it didn't I? My only excuse is that theres such a dearth of good television on at the moment (notable exceptions being house and lost), and with that in mind i tuned into BBC4s "Never mind the fullstops", the promise of a high brow quiz based loosely round the fundamentals of the correct use of the queens, if you catch my drift.

What a complete pile of utter shit! The premise wasn't too bad, the formula was given some thought and what should sound like a turn off to many could have been quite good, it even started off quite well with that fluffy slaphead from countdown being rather amusing, and all would have been well, if it wasn't for the vile, insidious, malodourous, class obsessed wankers that passed for panelists, i could go on, but don't want my blog entry to be too large (or risk inflaming my ganglian).

My only advice is if you fancy getting riled at what are just mere words and can stomach more than five minutes of the sub excuse for normal life that is janet st porter then please do watch this.

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH CUNTTTTTTSS!

Pain Mail

2006-05-10T02:51:00.000-07:00

Oh dear,

I've accidentally screwed up all my dns mail mx records after trying to transfer my domain to another server.

doh

in human speak all mail to my nutscape address is being returned.

Damn!

The conkers deep newsletter #2 will have to wait.

Coming Back Stronger Than A Powered Up Pacman

2006-05-09T05:04:00.000-07:00

The letters in the post and i have a job !

In a bank on working on their IT Systems, In ASP.Net V2.

The location of this bank? Opposite the beeb, next to the lass o gowrie, location wise couldn't have hoped for better, technology wise also a smart move.

And now at last i can do f**k all for a week.

Things are looking good

2006-05-08T10:36:00.000-07:00

Time for the final contract negotiations ..............

By tommorow evening i'll have a better idea what the future is holding, but its looking very good on the job front.

Hopefully more details to follow.

Micropig and the pistachioed army

2006-05-04T01:40:00.000-07:00

Okay standards are dropping, and i do need a job soon to stop me from further descending down the path into a wayne slob character, in the mean time during the past week i have discovered the following three "Food truths"

1) Pistachio shells can be left for up to two weeks with no signs of decay, if* i were building an army i'd consider this as a material for my tanks

2) You don't need to buy milk for brews, anchor squwerty cream does just the same job and also means you don't have to go out of your way to add sugar n all.

3) Everything is microwabable, they might not recommend it but it makes little difference, try it at home with some bacon. I've saved literally minutes of my life by just putting bits of sliced pig in the microwave and does it taste any different, no does it fuck it still tastes of HP sauce.

*actually i am, but thats another post for another day

I think it's toothpaste

2006-05-03T04:39:00.000-07:00

But can't be sure, so rather than risk an embarrasing moment at the dry cleaners i think i'm off to buy a new suit (only from primark though, i'm not made of money - yet!)

As i can't be arsed swatting up on .net i'm gonna spend the rest of the afternoon creating my own snazzy blogger template.

I also made a drunken promise last night to record a version of "the wild rover" in the style of scooter, ooooh so much to do so little time.

I'm feeling sensible

2006-05-01T09:24:00.000-07:00

I have an interview tomorrow in eccles, so i'm guessing the sensible thing to do would be for me to go out and have a few beers tonight, after all what could possibly go wrong?

Pity Me Not

2006-04-26T03:20:00.000-07:00

For i may technically be earning less than you at this point in time, but do you have the freedom to watch

"Totally Duran Duran"

on the hits channel

yip this dole doss / mcad studying lifestyle is really suiting me,

Heaven knows i'm miserable now (note : not really :)

2006-04-25T13:30:00.000-07:00

So i was looking for a job, then i got the job, but i'm gonna turn it down, a daily rate of £150, plus £29 tax free sustinance was not enough to convince me it was worth doing a contract in blackpool, so what was the problem ....

the work looked sooooooooooo dull, basically just "hod carrying" in a framework that had already been written, and all the design work already done, they seemed like nice people and i'm sure i could have been happy living in a seaside resort (did i mention you can get free b&b up to £90 a night as a contractor), it was the nice end of blackpool and i really did notice the difference in air quality from manc, but at the end of the day i didn't leave sage because i wanted the money, or i wanted to live somewhere else, I left to go and discover new things and learn new skills and to prove i can do it all again in a new place, that place just wouldn't have been the right place.

The search continues, and i've been put forward for another job in stockport, which might provide more of a challenge.

Got an interview, so roasting a chicken

2006-04-24T11:46:00.000-07:00

Oh bollocks the peace and quiet didn't last for long, i've now got an interview in Blackpool at 2:30 tomorrow, i'm gonna go up there early and make a day of it!

This could mean diving head first into contracting land, which would be erm .... fun.

Apart from that today was the quietest day since uploading my cv to a website last monday, all last week i must have averaged about 4 calls a day about jobs, they put me forward for that many, i've forgotten which ones i've been put forward for.

I've no idea how long to expect on feedback for this sort of thing as well, Cripes!

Eating soup with the rest of the dole scum

2006-04-24T00:57:00.000-07:00

Well its 9 O'clock in the morning, I'm up at my computer ready to train myself up on Asp.Net, so learning away whilst the sun is shining outside ( a quick walk away on the balcony), and LK today is on the background, and i don't have a job, am i upset?

Am i fuck!

This is f**kin ace, i never want to work again!

Kiss Of The Deaf

2006-04-18T12:29:00.000-07:00

http://www.everymoveapicture.com/

After my solid predictions so far on this blog

ie a number one for mint royale and wild critical acclaim for the delays, this band will be quite dissapointed to learn i'm backing em for good things

sorry lads.

Crunch Time

2006-04-17T10:35:00.000-07:00

Well as the dust begins to settle from the events of the past two weeks (I was reliably informed when i sobered up that i'd taken voluntary redundancy). I have finally got my act together, well of sorts, so at last the 2006 version of my CV is ready to be distributed out there. I've got to admit the job market looks pretty darn bouyant out there. Whilst i'm sure theres lots of good quality rival applicatants, the state of the market is comforting.

Tonight i shall post a mail to huxley associates to see if they can help out .

Perhaps i was too harsh on the media

2006-04-17T03:13:00.000-07:00

Instead of berating them i should be helping them, okay so heres whats happening
Prince albert is currently at the north pole, see if you can make some amusing headlines from that.

my suggestion

"Pole gets prince albert"

I heard the news today oh boy!

2006-04-16T00:07:00.000-07:00

Warning contains pointless pedantary.

Nothing winds me up more than sloppy journalism, being from a profession that encourages pedantry, this makes things even worse, so what was i even thinking about by switching on ITV news, two things got me

1) Apparantly its *my* fault that britain imports so much food i have been going into supermarkets and "demanding " it, on the contrary you'll find in this case that supermarkets who behave like the mythical drug peddlar outside a school, who have been erm pushing vegatables on us, I like most consumers have no idea when is the correct season for my butternut squash etc (yeah i know), and don't care if a veg is out of season tough titty, you'll find i can cope.

2) Accrington stanley have returned to the football league after being founder members, nope they haven't you'll find it was Accrington who where founder members accrington stanley are a completely different club formed in the the stanley arms on stanley st, now I amit this is a pointless statement but i'm bored. Interesting fact i once got a visit from the police on boxing day and a police escort to my work place because of an "incident" at accrington stanley ( i was an innocent bystander honest!)

Now news readers get yer feckin facts straight or i'm coming after yer jobs.

The longest week

2006-04-15T02:16:00.000-07:00

I have just 3.99 working days to surpress the bile rising within. With any luck i'll be able to do it without the kalms or liquor.

The Death Card

2006-04-05T15:08:00.000-07:00

Was the card played to me today, now i don't claim to be a tarot expert, but i do know that the card stands for a new beginning.

Thank fuck I've needed it a long time!

This link made me cry with joy

2006-03-10T17:30:00.000-08:00

you need to be on a good connection *sniff* Sniff* wah wah !

http://www.strawberryswitchblade.net/downloads/strawberryswitchblade_sinceyesterday.mpg

Two words that shouldn't go together

2006-02-28T12:27:00.000-08:00

schnorbitz and prolapse*

*unfortunately this isn't just me spewing out random words
** if you found this blog using these keywords then your are *sick*, sick i tell thee.
*** Wouldn't liked to have been in the orchestra pit

Delays Expected

2006-02-21T13:41:00.000-08:00

Wow!

Feckin ell! I'm over the moon.

Why ?

Well because the delays are back with the new single valentine, and quite frankly it points to them having an amazing 2006, think a southhampton forged version of the killers but with the more finely honed pop sensibilties of the lightening seeds taking us back to times when melody was king (are you reading this usher), okay so i'm not selling them too well here, but trust me you'll be hearing of this lot a hell of a lot more.

How they're not already massive after their last album i'll never know.

I'll be keeping my eyes peeled for their tour dates to see if they put on any more dates they've already sold out the acadamy :-(

Revoke Of Earlier Comments

2006-02-19T14:02:00.000-08:00

I have just seen todays mail on sunday, in particular an extremely offensive fred basset cartoon (as ever lacking a decent punchline), as such i'm off tomorrow to the offices of the newspaper, with my rucksack to blow the fuckers up.

Death To The West.
Death To The Mail
Death To All Bassets

Warning May Contain Traces Of Nuts

2006-02-19T13:55:00.000-08:00

Three weeks on, and people are still protesting about pictures of the prophet mohammed (blessed be his name etc ....), now lets get one thing straight, and lets meditate on this for a moment.

Are you ready?

Its a fuckin cartoon for fucks sake! Now sort your fucking acts out.

Dorsal Ganglian Cyst Update

2005-11-05T02:47:00.000-08:00

It's gone!

Sageasoreass

2005-09-30T00:42:00.000-07:00

Not to be outdone by the profanasorous i've decided to introduce a new sage work related one (this post is a limited edition so i can keep my post at work)

Here Goes

Green Mile
The excrutiating walk to the HR Office to be told about your conduct (normally due to a computer related incident.

Brettiquette

Like nettiquette but the art of not pissing the IT manager off, this basically involves writing your code on pen and paper and not even bothering to switch your machine on (this can save yourself the hassle of walking the green mile.

Payslap

The piece of paper that contains your payrise, always wise to carry a rape alarm when this is handed to you

Beating The Frog

2005-08-01T13:53:00.000-07:00

Nope not a new masturbation technique, something far more satisfying

just do it!

Happy July (War is over)

2005-07-29T09:05:00.000-07:00

Looks like the Irish troubles may be behind us, peace in our time after a historic announcement by the IRA

so on behalf of everybody i'd like to say

thanks a lot Bono we couldn't have done it without you.

Guess whos back ! Back Again

2005-07-26T06:20:00.000-07:00

Well this time i'm back from tenerife, i basically needed a holiday after the dominacan experience, for further details you'll have to read my upcoming autobiography "Up to the Nutts".

Tenerife was pretty good, with most days involving little trips around the place, i saw monkeys, parrots, dolphins (basically if they can get anything to ride a bike over there they get it into captivity), coming soon a picture of me, with two parrots. Lovely

Now just some blabber, or more a question really thats been haunting me for quites sometime

Whatever happened to David Duchovney? no seriously one minute everyone was X-Files crazy then when then ended (does anyone know how it turned out?), he was in every film going, the last one i remember seeing him in was Evolution, the one where he sticks some shampoo up an aliens arse to kill it

Finally tonight sees the return of the mighty boosh on bbc III, not to everyones taste but a most welcome return in the Nutts Pad.

Adios

a sad day for the uk

2005-07-07T13:47:00.000-07:00

Its been a bad day for the uk, but one of the greatest strengths of the internet is it can bypass the media, governments and movements completely, wisdom and sentiment can be shared without barriers, so its with the quote that i mark the day, using an excerpt from a speech attributed to Reisu-l-ulema Mustafa ef. Ceric, the leader of Bosnia-Herzegovina's Islamic community.

"Terrorism is without context. There is no set of circumstances that can frame, or in any way justify, a terrorist act. For Muslims, we do not have the luxury of viewing the tragedy that has taken place in London only as the cowardly and immoral slaughter of British civilians - we must view it also as a cowardly and immoral slaughter of the true nature and meaning of our faith. My heart is warmed by the complete and total condemnation of this act that echoes from the people of Bosnia and Herzegovina. While it is obvious that those who commit any such act of violence are condemned by the fundamental teachings of Islam, we cannot afford to sit down with the confidence that these murderers share nothing in common with us, nor should we want to. Unfortunately, the political situation in today's world has led most of the world's good Muslims into a fight about the nature of Islam itself. This has detoured hundreds of millions of people away from what is the righteous, honorable fight. We must confront the terrorists directly, regardless of whether or not the world recognizes our efforts. An evil is killing innocent men, women, and children, many of them our own, in our name, regardless of the fact that we, in no way, are served by it. Whatever your individual beliefs, as a Muslim you are required to make peace, not only for yourself, but for all those who lack such a mightly privilege. If your way of fighting is to join an army, and be a proud soldier in the war on terror, then do so. If your way of fighting is to join a charity organization, and be a proud volunteer in the war on the causes of terror, then do so. Now is the time to show the Godless terrorists, and the whole of the world, the true, noble strength of Islam. For Palestine and for Israel, for Chechnya and for Russia, for our own beloved Bosnia and Herzegovina, for New York, for Madrid, for London, and above all else, for ourselves."

This isn't our 9-11. We shouldn't lash out.

Beaches, Palms and Lilt

2005-06-21T12:01:00.000-07:00

Well that's it, i'm finished in work now for nearly two weeks and off to the dominican republic,

get in!

thats all i have to say on the issue,

Reading List Will be

* Fear and Loathing in las vegas
* Microserfs
* The Wasp Factory

Ciao

Sugar mommy

2005-06-13T13:43:00.000-07:00

God, some adverts out there really get on my tit's, normally they fall into four categories

1) Typified by some crap science (think neutrilium or boswelox)
2) European ones, with crap overdubs
3) Kamdo, get over it kid, you can wipe your arse, well guess what ? We all can, and sometimes we also choose to actually do it.
4) Typified by the smug git in them, sooo proud that they chose the correct fabric conditioner, whilst you, you big moron you are clearly using the wrong one!

A typical type four one goes is the splend sugar one, heres the science bit "concentrate" (<- ha ha clever or what), its a sugar that has very few calories, we are then told by the self satisfied wench peddling us this chemical filth that thanks to her culinary skill with this marvellous sweet tasting carciogenic that shes still a whizz in the kitchen and

"These are my no sugar pancakes mum can still eat three"
"These are no my no sugar ginger bread men, kids love em"

No they don't love em, love!, i've got news for you they despise them, they taste like shit, they want sucrose back in their lives you despicable calous witch, whats more they despise you, yeah thats right and they'd tell you to your face however your self righteous "life decision" to look have a face like skeletor has left them without the calories they need for a decent grumble.

Now get the fuck off my TV Screen or i'll set he-man on you.

I-FAQ (Number one)

2005-05-26T04:53:00.000-07:00

I FAQ, U FAQ we all FAQ.

An I-FAQ is an infrequently asked question.

So my I-FAQ is, whatever happened to the fairweather fans of Walford Town in Eastenders ....

Its seems they all love west ham now

One minute (okay decade perhaps) everyone cockerney on the square was swearing they were devoted to 'the town', nowadays they don't even get a mention. Maybe this could be down the demise of the walford gazzete (another dissapearance) which has been pretty thin on the ground of late, not doing enough to promote the team. Or maybe they were bought up by a cheeky yank and asset stripped, we'll probably never know,

Tell ya what though it's enough to make Arther Fowler spin in his grave (or allotment i forget where he was buried).

More beef vicar

2005-05-24T04:43:00.000-07:00

wierd but strangely satisfying

Rage Against The Cash Machine (dedicated to the memory of silent bazz)

2005-05-16T05:42:00.000-07:00

Problem number 1.

For every normal person born there seems to be about 10 dull witted, slow ones, evidence of this can be seen in ITV viewing figues and at cash machines, maybe i'm underestimating some of the people that use them maybe they're not slow maybe they're vindictive, whatever it is, it makes them take at least five minutes to accomplish what should be a simple task

Do you want cash?
Duh yeah
How much
Duh Forty pounds

come on now it shouldn't take as long as five minutes should it now? its a hole in the wall get yer money and bugger off, please people do not dither for 4 minutes checking your balance then doing a mental spreadsheet of how to spend your money for a week, do not decide to print out your balance in five different languages, women don't do your make up in the screens reflection,

Problem number 2

Machines have been springing up everywhere that now charge for your access to money now i don't strictly have a problem with this, although its a bit dangerous having them in pubs. I do know that a lot of people don't like them

Solution

Pay as you go cash machines, for all machines the first thirty seconds are free, then you get charged two quid an hour, we'd soon see things sped up, and whats more stupid people paying more, now that i like

Hooked

2005-05-13T08:58:00.000-07:00

Just in case you didn't know

http://www.sudoku.com/

I'm sorry now you're hooked

Glazer beams

2005-05-12T14:25:00.000-07:00

Well looks like the dirty reds have finally succombed to Glazers bid, sure it's enjoyable laughing for a bit, and enjoying a momemnt of schadenfreude, but when you consider the long term ramifications the new's is actually very bleak for any football fan,

If I may quote Meimoller: when apathy or partisan sentiments prevailed until it was too late.

First they came for the Jews
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Jew.
Then they came for the Communists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a Communist.
Then they came for the trade unionists
and I did not speak out
because I was not a trade unionist.
Then they came for me
and there was no one left out
to speak for me

eh alright it's not as important as the holocaust

Well Hung Parliament And The Swingers

2005-05-05T11:24:00.000-07:00

I'll get the usual excuses over with for not updating my blog

on holiday ...
busy at work ...
don't care ...

I couldn't let the day pass without saying a few words about the election, did i bother voting? nah i voted in 97 in a swing seat, but salford is a dead cert, redder than fergies cheeks after a slap.

Would i have voted if it made a difference in salford? Probably, and yes for labour, even though it's getting trendier and trendier to vote lib dem these days (now that labour are the iraq bully boys) sometimes you have to go with your head rather than whats trendy or gives you the most kudos.

Three reasons why (just don't mention the war)

* Minimium wage - it really does make a difference to those on it
* Aproach to third world debt, not perfect but at least they make noises withing the G8
* The ecomomy - stable

Who do i think will win?

Probably labour, but that hasn't stopped me putting a bet on at Bill Hill for a hung parliament (13 - 1 odds), the 80's taught me not to believe in opinion polls and my belief is there will be a big backlash cutting the maj down to 50.

Strange Days Indeed

2005-04-26T11:19:00.000-07:00

I let out a tommy squeaker on the way to work this morning and a swan tried to stare me out.

Most peculiar momma.

The Man In The Mirror

2005-04-21T15:49:00.000-07:00

Whoops i did it again!

Really must stop mailing journos from the red tops whenever they piss me off, this time it was oliver holt from the Mirror who irked me slightly this week with his comments about rovers, now okay i'm not going to pretend we've been the most cuddly of teams of late, but you not what the media can be like when they get hold of a theme, well hopefully it should stop now as i threatened to send him a poo in the post.

Still not heard back from littlejohn, and he's ignoring my calls, maybe he's on holiday

laters

Do the hustle

2005-04-12T14:02:00.000-07:00

No seriously you should give it a try

BBC one on tuesdays, its just about the only drama i'll watch on tv now, a British Oceans XI, well worth it!

If Code Monkeys Were Dolphins

2005-04-08T06:02:00.000-07:00

I'm ill : (

All the typing i do as a code monkey has taken its toll, my wrist has developed a massive lump i've checked it out and its called a ... wait for it

Dorsal Ganglian Cyst Sound more like a sex disease for dolphins to me.

I've done some reading and theres a few procedure that could be performed mainly involving hyperdermic needles, the only other alternative, and yes this is what they used to do in days of yore is "twat it with a book", not any book mind it has to be a big heavy one (people used to use bibles).

I'll be requesting one of the requirements docs from work.

Oooouch!

Phone Alone II - insert pedro here

2005-04-07T05:46:00.000-07:00

My lost phone is coming home, me mam contacted me to inform me that i'd left it in a taxi and its currently waiting for me to pick up at Manchester town hall, this pleases me much, as i just can't get to grips with the nokia i picked up,it also means i have a spare phone to lose now.

So basic lesson ! Anything that gets lost in the back of a cab can be reclaimed at the town hall. Anyone fancy phoning up and asking for pedros bum cherry?

Sweary Crossword Election Special

2005-04-06T14:40:00.000-07:00

I've created a special crossword to celebrate the start of the general election, good luck! Answers soon (remember two sets of questions the answers are the same)

Clues

1 Micheal Howard
2. The conservatives

Cryptic

1. Who put the C in hunt
2. Bunch of tankers

Pope Springs Eternal

2005-04-05T12:55:00.000-07:00

I've been told today that some dude called "Da Pope" has passed on, not that you'd know it given the low amount of press coverage it's recieved.

How do i know he passed on, well i was reliably informed by text to tune into ITV on saturday 7pm to choose a new deighty via pope-idol.

Think its a joke ?

well worryingly i've checked and the domains

www.popeidol.com
and
www.popeidol.co.uk

have been sold.

Erm i have no idea why i checked those domains

Meat is murder

2005-04-04T13:31:00.000-07:00

And therein the problem lies, because murder tastes bloody good! This is why people say oooh i could murder a sandwich rather than, oooh i could respect a sandwiches right to coexist with me as a sentient being.

Anyway enough of the prattle to point of this post isn't to berate those who've chosen vegetarianism as a way forward, nope i'm here to share information with the many kebab affeciendos in Manchester.

Those who think kebabs are a bit "Micheal Howard" i.e full of shit and have something of the night about of them, have never had the delights of a mid day kebab, those who've worked at s***, you know what i'm talking about right? Sometimes it can hit the spot when nothing else will quite do, (unfortunately sometimes it can also burn the spot), well the need for a kebab arose this seem on saturday whilst going round town with my better half, I'd promised her a mediteranian meal as the sun seemed to be blazing down. The result of our search

Topkaiki palace on deansgate opposite the halifax bank.

Starter, Main Course and drink £6.50 the meat was fine, and guess what, the kebab came on a plate, how fuckin posh is that?

My Dr Who Review

2005-04-03T10:37:00.000-07:00

Yeah, not bad, quite liked it.

Well well well

2005-03-29T09:51:00.000-08:00

I've just noticed that my last three posts started with the word "well",

Time to break the chain.

I got my new phone on saturday i'm already getting more texts than before, someone called carphone warehouse welcomed me to their network ahhhh its nice to be popular.

Easter mondayne

2005-03-28T13:12:00.000-08:00

Well that was the easter break over with, far too quickly n all for my liking! My time was spent either drinking or reading, so a bit like being a student except i didn't read back then and had slightly less debt.

For no apparrent reason (spellcheque please!) a gif from me to you.....

sorta wrong isn't it?

Let bygones be gygones part deux (f)

2005-03-23T14:31:00.000-08:00

Well the first post took so long simply because i'm lazy but the timing couldn't have been more appropriate for lo' a couple of days later i found this head line on my favourite source for footie info www.football365.co.uk

I promise this will be my last post about diouf, honestly i'm over it!

Phone alone

2005-03-22T05:53:00.000-08:00

Well it had to happen at some point, I'd had my old phone for two and a half years, a personal record, but it finally escaped on saturday evening, making its getaway either by train or taxi. I wish it luck in its new life and shall miss it dearly.

Sooooo what to do for a new one, well ....... i'm not known for splashing out on phones (cue host of 0898 gags), so went for a thirty quid pay as you go one, costing just 5 p a text, it will have paid for itself after 4 months. sorted!

Anyway gotta go i'm at some wierd place called work.

Let bygones be bygones

2005-03-15T12:47:00.000-08:00

Or so they say,

Its been a long time coming but i'd like to cast your mind back a few months ago to one particular dark evening in winter when my football team the ever righteous Blackburn "no we did not buy a league" Rovers played an ensemble of local woofters by the name Bolton "wanky wanky wanky" Wanderers. Its a fact that www-wanderers often get mistaken for our local rivals but i can assure you they're not, that dubious honour goes to the twats just up the M65 in the town where bananas are eaten with feet.

Well anyway this match was billed as the battle of the most hated footballers in the premiership, in the blue corner, weighing in at two hundred pounds, built like a horse, and hair by the stringfellow academy, welsh battler Robbie Savage, in the red (or rather white) corner, weighing in as heavy as two bags o shite, built like a horses dick, hair today gone tommorow, all round vile little man, the spit machine El Hadji Diouf. (thanks baz for the namecheck!)

After the usual huffing and puffing it seemed the hype around the contest had been much overplayed, sure savage had been a little bit erm savage, and diouf had been a bit of a mardy git but there was nothing out of the ordinary until the five minutes then "pheeep",

"pheep"

"oh what the fuck now!"

Little vile tosspot diouf had tripped himself, like an italian footballer taking lsd. Naturally he'd waited until he was in the penalty area, result a one nil defeat.

I could go on typing but all i wanted to do was give you a background as to why i'm putting up this picture. Whoever this spurs fan is the guys a hero

Take it away my yiddish friend

Matts Musical Marmite

2005-02-20T12:20:00.000-08:00

Been away, just been lacking inspiration of sorts lately, don't know whether its was the tail end of winter blues, or just general crapness, but i just could'nt be arsed writing owt. Any hoo some of the more curious people out there might be wondering what musical marmite is, well its something to put in your sonic sandwich thats gonna make your ears jump of your head and salute your head in raptures, or drop off your head to never want to come back again, probably to attach themselves to the back of a mouse.

You'll have definitely heard this track before and it'll either frustrate you or like me you'll think its got a decent chance of being a future number one, s'by mint royale enjoy now y'hear

oh dear

2005-02-07T13:04:00.000-08:00

I seem to have lost my appetite for writing, always seem too busy,

Theres a new chinese buffet in town though, tai wu, very good, better quality than oriental buffet bar number one, i'm off there tommorow, but for a sit down meal instead of the buffet, something to do with chinese new year.

this years bravery award goes to .....

2005-01-20T13:46:00.000-08:00

The bravery, for being the bravery!

Any body who knows me will know of my love for a set of bands from new york who are heavily influenced by early eighties british alternative rock, most popular of these is the killers, but theres plenty more, interpol, stella starr and now the bravery, having heard one of their tracks on xfm a couple of weeks ago i decided post haste to order tickets for me and a few others (erm well about 12 others) to one of there gigs.

Too many djs?

2005-01-06T13:55:00.000-08:00

Greetings dear blog junkie, and a very happy new year, happy new year to everyone, i start this new year by accouncing that quite frankly i'm a better person than you.

I'm not a better person because i know which cutlery to use in a restaurant, I'm not better because my cds are in alphabetical order, sub indexed by the year in which they where released, its not because one day i aspire to snowboard, its not even because i put conditioner onto and iron my male panties, nope its because i own a dab radio.

XFM, Core, Radio 6, Virgin, Planet Rock, Asian network they are all in my grasp, its like an amazing ipod that i don't have to fill full of tracks, thats permanently on random, pure feckin genius i can't recommend em enough.

Please take my advice and get one so that hopefully this time next year you'll be on an even footing me, well unless i get that snowboard.

The yule on the hill

2004-12-28T04:21:00.000-08:00

Well christmas passed of quite well, heres the scene that greeted me boxing day morning (it was too snowy to take a piccy on christmas day).

Roasted nuts and an open fire

2004-12-24T04:15:00.000-08:00

Well thats me done till christmas now,

all that remains is my final scoops at scamrohans, and then a tour of east lancashire, so have a merry xmas y'all

for those intrested in new year shenangins,

looks like life cafe bar in manchester will be hosting me for the third consecutive year.

Everyone needs a hobby

2004-12-23T10:25:00.000-08:00

Well you've got to have a hobby haven't you, and for this one i won't be needing a flask of weak lemon tea and a notepad, nope siree.

Its time i started mixing my business with pleasure, which is why in the new year i'll be setting up my own brewery in my front room.

Thats right a fine pale ale for all, not only will i save myself a fortune on the grog i can peddle my malty filth on e-bay to youngsters or just set up a local supply chain, why its taken me four years of living here to come up with this idea i'll never know!

Your born then you crawl

2004-12-19T08:55:00.000-08:00

pub crawl anyone

not so fandabidozie

2004-12-15T13:58:00.000-08:00

My thoughts today turn to the entertainment industry, sad news indeed

Children's entertainer Wee Jimmy Krankie has been taken to hospital with
head injuries after falling 20ft off a pantomime beanstalk in Glasgow.

The 57-year-old is starring in a production of Jack and the Beanstalk at the city's Pavilion Theatre and fell off the prop during a matinee show.

Fellow cast member Scottish soap star Gary Hollywood was also said to have been injured in the fall on Wednesday.

The duo's conditions were described as stable by the Glasgow Royal Infirmary.

Show stopper

The Wednesday evening performance at the theatre has now been cancelled and the audience who saw the fall during the day have been given a full refund.

A spokesman for the Scottish Ambulance Service said: "Wee Jimmy Krankie fell out of the beanstalk on to the stage and was taken to Glasgow Royal Infirmary."

Kasabian Rocked

2004-12-10T01:25:00.000-08:00

And i'm not feeling too bad this morn after 6 1/2 pints so all in all a succesful night

Rawk n roll

2004-12-09T09:02:00.000-08:00

Well the RU-21 have been bought (damn yankee branders), and they're to be tested tonight at a kasabian gig, which i shall be attending with the delightfully welsh www.silentbazz.co.uk

check his blog you'll see he's far from silent ;-)

fantastic news on the christmas pressie front as well,

I'm getting an electric guitar, bought time, now i'll have three instruments i can't play,

R U 18

2004-12-08T01:51:00.000-08:00

Nope its not a text message certain people would I know would send before boffing a young lass (as a legal get out), Its the name of a new herbal supplement on the market that claims to reduce hangovers,

Today i am to venture over to superdrug to see if i can lay my hands on this golden goose of the booze world, tommorow it gets tested, if i'm blogging on friday morning then success!

Have pity for our yank friends, in america the pill is know as R U 21 - wimps!

site change

2004-12-07T01:54:00.000-08:00

Huzzah at last i've got off me arse and redirected my home page to this site, you can now get here via www.nutscape.co.uk, expect more than just a blog though as the weeks go by

No longer int'a stella

2004-12-06T13:46:00.000-08:00

Today begins my first ever stint at ethical consumerism, well okay i'm not going all the way, you won't get finer stitching on your football than that done by the tiny hands of philipino orhpans, but from now on i'm going to avoid products that, well annoy me !

First up stella artois, a.k.a a pint of the weller, uri, or good old fashioned wifebeater. Strange choice you may think but consider the following points in reverse order of importance

3) Oh the hangovers, these are the kind that let you think you've got away with it then cruelly kick in around lunchtime (bastards!), assuming your not still unconscious in a puddle of your own wee.

2) Those adverts - how bloody dare they ! A shot down british gunman being betrayed by some belgian villagers because, get this the beer is worth narking to the nazis about him, i mean feckin hell, how offensive is that!

1) Their marketing people again! who think that they should put the price up again by about 30 p, why ? the endearing adam smiths laws of supply and demand? a shortage of hops perhaps? unexpected demand from upcoming asian markets? nope they make enough money alright and have enough to sell its just they have decided that it really should be reassuringly expensive to go with its marketing tag, unbelievable (especially if you have to buy the stuff in scamrohans).

Good news day

2004-12-03T01:39:00.000-08:00

These days you can't turn on the news without depressing images of starvation, war and the arrest of any asian teenager who happens to have downloaded a copy of the jolly roger files (by the way theres no such thing as bananadine)

so what a pleasant suprise to see vanessa feltz on the bbc breakfast couch (bear with me .....), in the few seconds that she paused for breath during her constant gabbling, the presenters explained that they where talking about family trees and vanessa had a revelation .... her family was never naturalised in this country,

don't worry i've called immigration services on your behalf

Exclusive preview of forthcoming nutscape album

2004-11-25T03:27:00.000-08:00

Quick sample from forthcoming album

The album is entitled nutscape and i,
the track astral darkness

Right click and save